LOVE WORKS DAILY 01/29/07 - The Loving Argument
TIM's BLOG
(Random Thoughts and Tim's Daily World):
Good morning all. And thanks for joining me again today
on this journey I call LOVE WORKS DAILY.
As some of you may be already aware, my youngest brother Ted
was in a serious accident this last week that involved
an explosion which badly damaged his home and left him with
severe burns.
The full facts of the matter, as of this writing, are still
unclear but the news of it is being widely reported thoughout
the NW on television and in newspapers.
For this reason, I am reprinting one of the lastest
accounts of the incident below in my IN THE NEWS section.
Both because many of you know me and my family personally,
and because I try to keep this as HONEST a forum as I can
in terms of my personal sharing. Sure, there are things
that everyone might prefer to be left unsaid.
But when you start editing your life to others sometimes,
you learn to start doing it all the time.
In truth, I am not of the belief that, in regards to the
explosion, my brother did anything or set out to cause any
real harm. And whatever damage he has done, including the
serious injury to himself, was purely the unintentional.
But that is not my focus at all. People make mistakes.
It happens.
My focus is on the gratitude and happiness that I have that
he suffered only the injuries that he did and that this
was not the potentially fatal accident that it could have
been.
I have not been particulary close with my youngest brother
the last few years, but at Christmas time I stopped at
his business and got a warm hug and such a friendly reception
and a truly wonderful visit that I wondered to myself
when I heard he had been in an explosion....
"Was that my last visit with him?"
If it was, I'm glad it was such a good one, but I am
so wonderfully happy to hear that his injuries were
not a severe as could have been, or initially feared,
and that we will, in all likelihood, recover completely
and without impairment.
You just never know when you can get that unexpected call
in the middle of the night. I am SO glad this was not one
of those nights.
I am asking that the members and readers of LOVE WORKS
keep Ted, and his family, in your thoughts and prayers as he recovers
and the aftermath of this event unfolds.
Thank you so much for your love and concern!
Below I will publish the account of the incident without comment:
IN THE NEWS: A Love Works Persective
(Today's News From A LOVE WORKS point of view)
Blast, fire destroy house, injure man
Ingredients for fireworks played role, officials say
BY EUNICE KIM
Statesman Journal
January 28, 2007
A Salem man suffered burns to his arm after several
explosions and a fire -- thought to be caused by fireworks
chemicals -- blew the windows and garage door out
of his house, officials said Saturday.
Investigators think that the explosions and fire,
which occurred shortly before 10 p.m. Friday
at 432 Clarmar Drive NE, started after Theodore
Thomas Henry, 32, put what he thought was trash into
his wood burning stove, said Deputy Kevin Rau of
the Marion County Sheriff's Office.
The debris and fire from the initial explosion
ignited chemicals around the house.
"It was like a chain-reaction," Rau said.
On Saturday the federal Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms, Oregon State Police bomb
squad, Marion County Sheriff's Office, State
Fire Marshal's Office and Marion County Fire District 1
were still investigating. They cordoned off the
house and evacuated nearby homes as a precaution.
Investigators removed all of the chemicals
from Henry's house, Rau said.
The explosions and fire destroyed many of the
interior walls, causing $90,000 in damage.
The house was a total loss, said fire chief
Roy Hari of the Marion County Fire District No. 1.
Henry escaped from his home before the major
explosions occurred, but he suffered severe burns
to his right arm, Rau said. He was taken to Salem
Hospital. No one else was injured.
Investigators found black powder and chemicals
used to make fireworks in Henry's house, and
Rau said Henry later admitted he made fireworks.
Investigators also discovered about 18 marijuana
plants in his house.
"They're definitely going to be charges related
to the manufacturing of explosives," Rau said.
Neighbors said they did not know Henry but had heard
smaller explosions coming from his house during
the past couple of weeks. Many heard and saw the
explosions and fire Friday night.
Mandi Mills, who lives on Clara Court NE directly
behind Henry's house, heard two explosions about
45 minutes apart and then looked outside.
"The windows rattled," she said. "It was like a
mushroom cloud of smoke with some sparks. Then huge
flames shot up with the cloud. It smelled like gun powder."
Mills and her mother, Linda Lemmon, said the
incident worried them.
"I don't want people with explosives living
this close to our house," Lemmon said.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
(Brand New and Classic Love Works Essays 2001-2007)
Argument gets a bad rap.
Who wants to fight? Right?
Most people think of arguments as fights....people
being upset and saying mean and nasty things.
I think, in truth, that is what most people have.....
Fights.
Here is the first definition of argument:
1. A discussion in which disagreement is expressed; a debate.
A quarrel; a dispute.
And I'm not sure that this kind of argument does serve.
It is a good excuse for us to vent our emotions on another person.
In many cases, we blame them, and we feel good by being victorious
over them.
But I think argument is a good thing. A healthy thing. Something
that ultimately strengthens our relationships, and shows that we care
about those we are with.
Other definitions of argument are:
A course of reasoning aimed at demonstrating truth
or falsehood
A fact or statement put forth as proof or evidence;
a reason
A set of statements in which one follows logically as
a conclusion from the others.
I think these are well-stated and valuable.
And I think I have a pretty good.....well, ...argument.
The first questions, and most important questions you need to ask
yourself when thinking about arguments are:
Why am I about to engage in this argument?
What is my motive?
What do I hope to accomplish?
1. I am about to engage in this argument because I am really pissed off!
BAD IDEA....
2. My motive for starting this argument is to finally put that little
know-it-all in his place!
I DON'T THINK THAT WOULD BE HELPFUL....
3. I hope to make her feel like crap, and beg me for forgiveness!
Do YOU REALLY WANT THAT?
See...
When you don't identify WHY you would start an argument....
that is when it goes horribly wrong. That is when it is
unproductive and makes things worse.
How about this?
1. I am about to engage in this argument because there are certain
facts about our current situation in which we disagree. If we
were able to come to a more mutual understanding of the situation
we could work, or play, or live together in a more considerate
and loving way!
OK...that's more like it....You would actually bicker and
fight MORE without having the argument....so just getting things
out in the open in a loving a respectful way and trying to
come to a mutually acceptable conclusion benefits all.
Continued in Part II
From LOVE WORKS DAILY 08/11/05
(c)2007 T.Thomas Henry
LOVE WORKS DAILY 01/29/07 - The Loving Argument
PART II
2. My motive is simple. I love and care about this other human
being. I don't want this continued disagreement to cause
further hard feelings. A discussion of the matter may be
all that is necessary to be more compassionate and understanding.
3. I hope to come to a mutually acceptable conclusion or comprimise.
I hope that the person I am arguing understands that I am
spending this valuable time talking about the issue because I care.
I am committing my time resources to this topic because I
want to AGREE....not DISAGREE. We already do that!
So thats my argument for determining the correct reason WHY....when considering
engaging another person in an argument.
Next is WHAT....
What is an argument?
For many, it is pounding the other person into submission.....
it is insisting that ones OPINION is more important that another
persons opinion.
But for the truth...let's go back to our definition....
An argument is....
A course of reasoning aimed at demonstrating truth
or falsehood
A set of statements in which one follows logically as
a conclusion from the others.
It is not an attempt to determine WHO is right.
It is an attempt to determine WHAT is right.
Follow that?
All ego aside....the TRUTH IS more important than being right.
I think it should be.
The truth is always the truth regardless of WHO comes up it.
Truth is a constant. (Totally differant than perception
or opinion...those change with the wind....)
Opinion might be a good starting point. But the object
of an argument is not to PROVE you opinion, but rather to present it
and support it or not support it. (Opinion is often refered to
as one's POSITION regarding a matter.)
If the evidence does not support your opinion, when it is all
presented...then you must alter your position.
That's the last part of the definition...
A set of statements in which one follows logically as
a conclusion from the others.
People HATE this...and I don't really know why....
I think it is because some people don't know about LOGIC
and how to build a group of statement to a logical conclusion.
I've heard this..."I don't care about your facts and figures....
I think that he's a crook, and you can't change my mind!"
To me....That is known asthe..."I'm not going to participate...because you
might change my mind, and I couldn't have that...defense."
If you participate in an "actual" argument....you have to listen.
You have to be willing to listen, understand, and alter
your position if the evidence warrants it.
You can come to end of an argument...and both of you have
presented strong evidence for both sides.....and no conclusion
can be made.
But if you don't have an open mind...you will never have an
actual argument....you will have fights, lectures, debates, disagreement
knock-down drag-out screaming matches...but not an "actual"
productive argument.
I am now going to conclude my arguments supporting the value of
a "productive argument" with an example.
I don't know how many of you have kids...especially teenagers....
but this takes me back to my original statement about how
you need to know the motive and reason to have an argument
in the first place...or not have one at all (and for
that matter, have a mutual understanding of that motive!)
Every so often, with our teenagers, we would have something that
really concerned us.
One time, one of the kids called us late at night to ask if they could
stay the night with the friend they were visiting.
Not being a parent with our heads in the sand, we agree to
let them stay the night, but the next day we want to have
a talk.
Then we get the "oh no, here comes the lecture look...."
And for 45 minutes...our teenage SURVIVES the lecture, every
once in a while interjecting the "But I didn't have anything
to drink!" or the "There was NO PARTY, why are you accusing me?",
but otherwise tuning out everything we say.
Now, OUR motives for the converstion or argument was clear.
A course of reasoning aimed at demonstrating truth
or falsehood
A fact or statement put forth as proof or evidence;
a reason
A set of statements in which one follows logically as
a conclusion from the others.
1. We love our children.
2. We want them to be safe and to make good choices.
3. We have facts and evident to present that may help them
to make good choices.
4. We love them.
We never accused them of drinking at a party and thus calling
us because they were too drunk to drive (although they certainly
sounded drunk on the phone...and THANK THE MAKER they didn't decide
to drive home).
We did spend our time resources to present a strong argument
against having parties without adult supervision and the risks
involved in underaged drinking and drinking in general.
We had our "argument" because we cared and wanted them to care
and know that we cared. It's a loving thing that most parents do,
when talking with their kids.
But most kids...DO NOT appreciate the motive or reason.....
They just think that their parents are mean and don't love them and
have nothing better to do then harrass them about things that
are none of their business.
After all, a teenager knows everything. And an adult is just
there to be a pain in the butt.
Little do they know, that if their parents actually didn't love
them...they wouldn't give them the time of day. This kind of
parent would just say...WHY BOTHER???
I have wondered, as I have been in some SO-CALLED arguments
with other adults.....
Have we really grown up?
Do we really know or care why someone would take the time
to discuss or disagree?
Is it possible that if someone argues with us, it is because
they DO CARE and want things to be better?
And if they care about us....
Do we take the time and effort to contribute to finding a
solution without getting angry and lashing out?
Or are we the know-it-all teenager?
Or the "Why Bother" parent?
It may not be conclusive.......
But I think I've made some good arguments.....
And that didn't hurt so bad...did it?
(What do you mean..."Sorry, I wasn't listening?")
Love In Thought! Love In Word! Love In Action!
Love To You Today!
Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Peace be with you.
From LOVE WORKS DAILY 08/11/05
(c)2007 T.Thomas Henry
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